Ten Years


Today is the tenth anniversary of my rape. Rather than sit around and do nothing other than mourn the person that I once was, I’ve decided that enough it enough. I’m not going to let the anniversary date affect me negatively like I have in years past.

I’m getting out and about! I’m having plans and will make new memories! I hope to post pics later of those memories.

xoxo,

Amanda

 

Ten years, part 2


Sorry for the lie in part 1. The truth is, I tried to find stuff to do today, to make new memories and be a better version of myself. I just couldn’t find enough to do, people to share this horrible day with me. I had coffee with my pastor this morning. Definitely the highlight of the day so far. At some point this afternoon, I’ll see my kids run around and likely ignore me at a McDonald’s play place. And if I still feel up to it (not looking likely) I’ll join my brother and his friends at a piano bar watching my dad’s friend play some tunes. Because if my brother invites people to something, every one wants to go. Yet if sister is in need of friends and family coming through, to be there for her, she’s ignored. Oh, and getting back into withdrawals from my antidepressants is the just the kicker that I don’t really need today. Muscle spasms and flu like symptoms are rocking out, woohoo!

Maybe next year will be a year of new memories. The old ones seem pretty happy where they are and don’t look like they are budging any time soon.

Can I get a shout out for depression? Ptsd? Rape? Yay!

Help!


 

Another Song of the Day from my time out walking this morning…. I love being smacked in the face by lyrics I wasn’t expecting.

Help! By John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone
Help!

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone I’m not so self-assured
Now I find I’ve changed my life and opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone I’m not so self-assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?
Help me, help me, ooo

My Lighthouse & Hold On


I love when I put my music on shuffle and an unexpected song comes on that just – BOOM – hits me and my knees go weak.

On my walk yesterday, I was listening to my Christian music on shuffle and My Lighthouse came on. The lyrics that really spoke to me are in italics.

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective

In my wrestling, in my doubts
in my failures you wont walk out
Your great love will lead me through
you are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
you are the peace in my troubled sea

in the silence you wont let go
in the questions your truth will hold
your great love will lead me through
you are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
you are the peace in my troubled sea

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

I won’t fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I’ll rise and sing
My God’s love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
You are the peace in my troubled sea oh

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you, oh
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

Fire before us, You’re the brightest
You will lead us through the storms x4

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you, oh
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

By coincidence, this is the song the children’s ministry is learning this month to be able to sing with the congregation when we gather together.

A few songs after My Lighthouse, as I was coming to the end of my walk and hoping for a strong finish, Hold On started. Again, the lyrics that really spoke to me are in italics.

Hold On by Toby Mac

Wake up to the morning light
wipe away the lonely nights
let a brand new day wash over you,
Wanna see you smile again
show some love to your crazy friends
wipe your tears away
those days are through
If you move just a little bit closer
you can put your head on my shoulder (I understand that as God’s shoulder of comfort & peace)
Yeah, yeah

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you can hold on, to the one that’s holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through
We’re breaking through
We’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun
thank the Lord for the
things He’s done
lift your eyes up to the
hope that’s ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
you’re a light in this jaded world
wipe away those tears
this one’s for you

Come on, move a little bit closer, you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

And the stars are up there
shining for you
oh, the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I
we were born to follow
the hope that will lead us to tomorrow
and no one can take it away

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
to the one that’s holding you
there is nothing that can stop this crazy, crazy love from breaking [x2]

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
the clouds are moving faster

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through

We’re breaking through

Tough few days


Oh, where to start?

I have no health insurance. I applied before my coverage ended, but my application got lost. So for much of the month of July, I was assured it was still processing, but would be updated any day in “the system.” Turns out it was a lie, they had no record of my application or coverage beginning July 1st, I was just told what I wanted to hear.

The issue with having no health insurance is that I have many doctors appointments and medications that I need to take daily. With no insurance, it’s all out of pocket expenses for me, which is impossible for me to do as I have no income.

Since I’ve abruptly speed taking my medicines when they’ve run out, I’m now withdrawing from them. Do a quick search of symptoms; you name it, I’ve got it. Flu like symptoms (sweats, chills, nausea, aches and pains), increased irritability, increased depression, insomnia, vivid dreams when I am able to sleep (and they are out there kind of dreams), muscle twitches and vertigo.

This is all in top of the emotional turmoil I’m going through with being separated from my husband and children, the death of a family member, extreme friction with a different family member and continuing to battle my past and trauma.

At the moment, I’m doing okay. I had to cancel my counseling appointment due to the lack of health insurance, which stinks but I don’t have a choice. I’ll be doing Holy Yoga tonight instead, being in a positive environment and doing physical activity. I’ve already done a 30 minute yoga warm up for the day and am about to head out for a 45-60 minute walk around the neighborhood. And I hope to get to do some writing today, perhaps start a story derived from one of these freaky dreams I’ve had.

Today


Hanging out with the middle guy, Ben, on Jack’s birthday. Ben had an accident at camp yesterday which required three stitches above his eye.
image

He was not only brave, but stayed completely still while getting sewn back together and never even squeezed my hand. What a trooper!

As reward, and to keep him as restful as possible, he spent the night with me last night and all day today till we get back together with the family to celebrate Jack’s birthday. We got to snuggle and rest together, play with his quiet toys, watch scooby doo and help me do Jack’s cake for tonight. I’ve missed spending time with this little guy!
Over and out, we’re drawing pokemon characters next,
Amanda

What Scars Are For


I was re-reading a previous blog post today, Why Does It Matter, found here http://levinemommy.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/why-does-it-matter/ and this song came on at the same moment I started reading it. I felt myself sliding downward, almost sinking back into a depressed mood that I’ve been doing a good job of climbing out of recently. Why does my hurt and suffering matter? Why does trying to put one foot in front of another matter?

Until I heard this song.

Its a new song for me, off of Mandisa’s recent album. One that I really haven’t listened to, only the one or two singles I’ve heard from the radio.

I got your message God. You are strong when I am weak, when I have doubts and fears. You are my all in all, you are everything. And I want to share with you why:

What Scars Are For
by Mandisa

These scars aren’t pretty
But they’re a part of me
And will not ever fade away
These marks tell a story
Of me down in the valley
And how You reached in with Your grace
And healed me

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for
What scars are for

Erase, rewind
Wish I could every time
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep
But when I’m weak
You’re strong, and in Your power I can carry on
And my scars say that You won’t ever leave

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for

I see it on the cross
The nails You took for me
Scars can change the world
Scars can set me free

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars
You show me that’s what scars are for
What scars are for yeah
What scars are for (What scars are for)