My Lighthouse & Hold On


I love when I put my music on shuffle and an unexpected song comes on that just – BOOM – hits me and my knees go weak.

On my walk yesterday, I was listening to my Christian music on shuffle and My Lighthouse came on. The lyrics that really spoke to me are in italics.

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective

In my wrestling, in my doubts
in my failures you wont walk out
Your great love will lead me through
you are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
you are the peace in my troubled sea

in the silence you wont let go
in the questions your truth will hold
your great love will lead me through
you are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
you are the peace in my troubled sea

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

I won’t fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I’ll rise and sing
My God’s love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea, whoa
You are the peace in my troubled sea oh

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you, oh
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

Fire before us, You’re the brightest
You will lead us through the storms x4

my lighthouse, my lighthouse
shining in the darkness
I will follow you, oh
my lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
you will carry me safe to shore
safe to shore x3

By coincidence, this is the song the children’s ministry is learning this month to be able to sing with the congregation when we gather together.

A few songs after My Lighthouse, as I was coming to the end of my walk and hoping for a strong finish, Hold On started. Again, the lyrics that really spoke to me are in italics.

Hold On by Toby Mac

Wake up to the morning light
wipe away the lonely nights
let a brand new day wash over you,
Wanna see you smile again
show some love to your crazy friends
wipe your tears away
those days are through
If you move just a little bit closer
you can put your head on my shoulder (I understand that as God’s shoulder of comfort & peace)
Yeah, yeah

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you can hold on, to the one that’s holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through
We’re breaking through
We’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun
thank the Lord for the
things He’s done
lift your eyes up to the
hope that’s ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
you’re a light in this jaded world
wipe away those tears
this one’s for you

Come on, move a little bit closer, you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

And the stars are up there
shining for you
oh, the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I
we were born to follow
the hope that will lead us to tomorrow
and no one can take it away

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
to the one that’s holding you
there is nothing that can stop this crazy, crazy love from breaking [x2]

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
the clouds are moving faster

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through

We’re breaking through

Tough few days


Oh, where to start?

I have no health insurance. I applied before my coverage ended, but my application got lost. So for much of the month of July, I was assured it was still processing, but would be updated any day in “the system.” Turns out it was a lie, they had no record of my application or coverage beginning July 1st, I was just told what I wanted to hear.

The issue with having no health insurance is that I have many doctors appointments and medications that I need to take daily. With no insurance, it’s all out of pocket expenses for me, which is impossible for me to do as I have no income.

Since I’ve abruptly speed taking my medicines when they’ve run out, I’m now withdrawing from them. Do a quick search of symptoms; you name it, I’ve got it. Flu like symptoms (sweats, chills, nausea, aches and pains), increased irritability, increased depression, insomnia, vivid dreams when I am able to sleep (and they are out there kind of dreams), muscle twitches and vertigo.

This is all in top of the emotional turmoil I’m going through with being separated from my husband and children, the death of a family member, extreme friction with a different family member and continuing to battle my past and trauma.

At the moment, I’m doing okay. I had to cancel my counseling appointment due to the lack of health insurance, which stinks but I don’t have a choice. I’ll be doing Holy Yoga tonight instead, being in a positive environment and doing physical activity. I’ve already done a 30 minute yoga warm up for the day and am about to head out for a 45-60 minute walk around the neighborhood. And I hope to get to do some writing today, perhaps start a story derived from one of these freaky dreams I’ve had.

Today


Hanging out with the middle guy, Ben, on Jack’s birthday. Ben had an accident at camp yesterday which required three stitches above his eye.
image

He was not only brave, but stayed completely still while getting sewn back together and never even squeezed my hand. What a trooper!

As reward, and to keep him as restful as possible, he spent the night with me last night and all day today till we get back together with the family to celebrate Jack’s birthday. We got to snuggle and rest together, play with his quiet toys, watch scooby doo and help me do Jack’s cake for tonight. I’ve missed spending time with this little guy!
Over and out, we’re drawing pokemon characters next,
Amanda

What Scars Are For


I was re-reading a previous blog post today, Why Does It Matter, found here http://levinemommy.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/why-does-it-matter/ and this song came on at the same moment I started reading it. I felt myself sliding downward, almost sinking back into a depressed mood that I’ve been doing a good job of climbing out of recently. Why does my hurt and suffering matter? Why does trying to put one foot in front of another matter?

Until I heard this song.

Its a new song for me, off of Mandisa’s recent album. One that I really haven’t listened to, only the one or two singles I’ve heard from the radio.

I got your message God. You are strong when I am weak, when I have doubts and fears. You are my all in all, you are everything. And I want to share with you why:

What Scars Are For
by Mandisa

These scars aren’t pretty
But they’re a part of me
And will not ever fade away
These marks tell a story
Of me down in the valley
And how You reached in with Your grace
And healed me

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for
What scars are for

Erase, rewind
Wish I could every time
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep
But when I’m weak
You’re strong, and in Your power I can carry on
And my scars say that You won’t ever leave

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for

I see it on the cross
The nails You took for me
Scars can change the world
Scars can set me free

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars
You show me that’s what scars are for
What scars are for yeah
What scars are for (What scars are for)

I’m Back!


…I’m back!

You may have noticed a few posts come up on my facebook or twitter feeds recently. I apologize for those – I wasn’t aware that taking them from my private posts to publically publishing them again would re-notify people that a new post was done. So you probably saw one after another after another. Sorry!

Good news, I had court yesterday, my final court date with #hewhomustnotbenamed or contacted. It went really well, the best I could have hoped for. Exactly what the defense attorney I consulted with said he would try to get for me. No contact with him or his wife, and my case is on the STET docket, meaning its postponed indefinitely. At any time me or the State could have it opened again (not likely to happen without me doing something stupid like exactly what I’m not supposed to do-contacting either one of them) during the first year, and after the first year it can only be opened with just cause. After three years it can be expunged and cleared from my record. There was no trial and I have no conviction on my record.

Since contacting him is the only condition, I feel like I’m free to bring my posts back up and blog *almost* freely. I wont be stupid about using his name (and have gone back into my previous post that was directed to him and x’ed out his name).

Better news, I’ve been doing well lately. I’m living at my sisters now, in their guest room. Since May’s hospitalization I had a setback thanks to self harm, which led to my 4th trip to the hospital. This one was much shorter as it didn’t involve suicidal feelings or actions. However, because of the cutting, I did lose my place at mom and dad’s. Insert trip to crisis bed center here. I think it’s similar to a halfway house, except there was no coming and going from the home.

I’m doing better, more positive, more upbeat. Feeling closer to my normal self. But I’m not going to sugar coat things and pretend everything will remain fine forever. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, a lot of healing and focusing on myself. I’m praying a lot, doing yoga, walking and will even be attempting biking soon, if I can remember how to balance. I’m going to a women’s Bible study and hope to join a life group soon as well.

Until next time,
Amanda

Homeless


Twelve days ago I tried to end my life by overdosing on blood pressure and sleeping pills. I spent two days in the ER and ten days in a psychiatric facility. Yesterday I was discharged. They transported me to a women’s shelter as I had no where to go following discharge.
In order to protect himself and my children, my husband is not allowing me home until I am healthier and more stable. My parents have their own reasons for not taking me in, as do my siblings, extended family and friends. Or I imagine they would, if I had the guts to ask all of them.
Last night was eventful, to say the last. My first night there and I got written up for something I didn’t know was a rule. Apparently you can’t listen to music even with headphones after the lights go out. Too bad I had already fallen asleep while listening.
So today is day one in the shelter. The neighborhood seems pretty good, near a major hospital, but far removed from where my life has been for the past few months and even further from where we were living for the last eight years. I was able to venture out to get a few prescriptions filled and have to return tomorrow to get two others that weren’t quite ready to be filled.
I’m on night two in the shelter, which thankfully has been uneventful. I’m an observer and quiet, its part of my personality. But I recognize that people may take the quiet on looking as being nosy or even judgemental. I’m doing my best to keep my head down and keep to myself. Once I start feeling comfortable, I may even start opening up and make some new acquaintances.
I just keep praying for an open mind and a humble heart. And to trust God completely with where I am physically and emotionally, and to lean into him instead of away from him.
Wish me luck for the rest of tonight and tomorrow. I’ll be looking forward to getting a ride to church from a gal I’m looking forward to getting to know better, and feeding my soul at church tomorrow evening.

What’s been going on…


I’ve had an active few months.

I survived the peace order hearing. It was super stressful and I needed a xanax, but I did it. Huge Thanks to my pastor for not only being there to support me, but to drive me as well! I was such a bundle of nerves plus going somewhere I’ve never been before does not bode well for me driving.

We were evicted from our home. Well, we moved before the courts said we had to be out, so does that really count?  We left Montgomery County and came up to Baltimore County. I could say it was to be closer to family, better schools or better jobs, but that’d be a lie. So I won’t. A friend at church connected me with a fellow church member who had two spare rooms in his basement. Yep, that’s right, or family of 6 is squeezed into two bedrooms. But to be accurate, we have free reign of the home, except for bedrooms, and is been pretty good sharing the space and having large family style dinners (7 kids and 3 adults crowded around one table is a hoot!)

I got a job and am working again. Technically, I’m employed by a temp agency, but I’m placed at a non profit in the city. It’s working out really great so far and I’m enjoying my time there. Counting down the days until this temp position goes permanent!

Also haven’t found a primary doc for me or the kids yet. And I’ve got this painful hernia that keeps reminding me is there and will have to get taken care of sooner rather than later.

I’m preparing for my criminal case next month. Yes, I’m being accused of criminal harassment. How, you ask? Because of contacting hewhoshallnotbenamed back in July and December asking for a meeting to get some questions answered and to get closure. Oh and I threatened to tell, not hurt but tell his family the truth about what he did to me. My summons came in the mail today. As you can imagine, I’m over the moon and cool as a cucumber. NOT! I’m flipping out and trying desperately to hold it together.

Last but not least, I’m back in my every few month cycle of “I’m being attacked on every angle” and the rape is the only thing on my mind. I’ve set up new providers here for weekly therapy, but am still trying to find a psychiatrist and will continue to go down south until I can find one.

I’m back to fighting the urge to cut, struggling to get through each day and feeling like I have no support. I barely have anytime for myself and when I do, I don’t want to think about the painful past. I’m going to take up writing again, but am likely to keep it private since I have a network of spies watching my every move. Yes, spies. Likely his lawyer and the District attorney’s office, watching for anything to make it easier to paint me as insane. Oh and my mother in law so that she and my husband can gossip about me Bains my back and continue commenting about how worried they are about me yet refuse to do anything helpfulto support me.